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width: 468px; solid: 60px; background: #EAEAE8;"> <script type="text/javascript"></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script> </div> </div> <a name="maincontent" id="maincontent"></a> <div class="post"> <div class="avatar Arison Cain"> <h2>DITCHES, MARSHES, RIVER FORDS AND THE GREAT BATTLE TOWER.</h2> <p class="meta">Arison Cain - Sunday, 10th December 2006</p> <p>Prepare for a little trip on the Wayback Machine…</p> <p><img src="http://i11.tinypic.com/2wno46q.jpg" alt="This kid has no fucking clue what he is in for." /><br /> <big><strong>Exhibit A: BATTLE MASTERS</strong></big><br /> <strong>This was such a bitch to put together and looked nothing like this upon completion.</strong><br /> That fucking tower was fragile as shit.<br /> The dudes didn’t stay on their fucking trays either.<br /> Horses were constantly falling onto each other<br /> and an eight year old Rembrandt couldn’t put the stickers on the fucking flags correctly.<br /> I didn’t even want to play this because it took so long to prepare for<br /> and it took up the entire fucking floorspace of my house to play.<br /> Still, we played it mercilessly because my parents hated us for owning it.</p> <p><img src="http://i14.tinypic.com/2co1obl.jpg" alt="THE ULTIMATE SYMBOL OF POWER AND SASS." /><br /> <big><strong>EXHIBIT B: RED LEGO BRIEFCASE</strong></big><br /> As if my parents weren’t concerned enough that I would grow up<br /> to be a kiss stealing, wheelin’ dealin’, limousine ridin’, jet flying son of a bitch,<br /> along came the red LEGO briefcase to solidify their most troubling insights.<br /> The red LEGO briefcase, in tandem with a nifty wardrobe that mostly didn’t fit,<br /> enabled me to saunter around D.C. neighborhoods as the heir-apparent to the Nature Boy.<br /> Red LEGO briefcase survived until Arion threw up in it and the smell wouldn’t go away.<br /> Sadly, the plastic and all those bevels just retained the stench through every kind of power fucking washdown.</p> <p><strong>Fucking A.</strong></p> <p>I hear a rustle in the streets<br /> and the rumbling ground.<br /> I feel a hustle to the beat<br /> like you’re fearing the sound.</p> <p><strong>Arison Cain</strong></p> </div> </div> <div class="post comment" id="postLinks"> <h3 class="commentHeader"><a name="comments"> </a>3 Comments »</h3> <ul class="postOptionList"> <li><a href="http://www.use-bombs.com/archives/2006/12/use-bombs/ditches-marshes-river-fords-and-the-great-battle-tower/trackback/">Trackback</a></li> <li><a href='http://www.use-bombs.com/archives/2006/12/use-bombs/ditches-marshes-river-fords-and-the-great-battle-tower/feed/'>RSS</a></li> </ul> </div> <div class="post comment clearfix altComment"> <div class="commentMeta" style="clear: left;"> <p><b><a name="1">#1</a> </b>Comment posted by <cite>Paternal Unit</cite> on December 10th, 2006 at 9:17 am. </p> </div> <div class="gravatar"></div> <div class="commentContent"> <p>Go back into the Battle Tower, stand in the corner,and you think….THINK….about all the slings and arrows you have thrown today YOUNG MAN!!!!!</p> </div> </div> <div class="post comment clearfix Comment"> <div class="commentMeta" style="clear: left;"> <p><b><a name="2">#2</a> </b>Comment posted by <cite><a href='http://www.use-bombs.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Josh</a></cite> on December 11th, 2006 at 2:36 pm. </p> </div> <div class="gravatar"></div> <div class="commentContent"> <p>I had Battle Masters. My grandfather and I cut a thin piece of plywood to put the map on. Unfortunately, I never got to play it becaues I didn’t have any friends near my house. Eventually I lost everything, but I still had the dice and the big evil Orge figure for a while.</p> </div> </div> <div class="post comment clearfix altComment"> <div class="commentMeta" style="clear: left;"> <p><b><a name="3">#3</a> </b>Comment posted by <cite><a href='http://www.sydlexia.com' rel='external nofollow' class='url'>Syd Lexia</a></cite> on December 26th, 2006 at 5:12 pm. </p> </div> <div class="gravatar"></div> <div class="commentContent"> <p>Holy shit, I had Battle Masters. I was planning to review it at one point, but I couldn’t for the life of me remember the name of it and my Google searches for “board game” + catapult + ogre + tower, weren’t turning it up.</p> <p>As far as I can tell, the game was intended to be setup on a basement table and left there, like Warhammer boards. 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