Use-Bombs

Shameology

Arion Londraville - Saturday, 9th June 2007

While in a public place today, a lady yelled to her friend, “My nipple hurts!”, seemingly without any regret. It was at this point in time that I stumbled upon the realization that there are three levels of shamelessness.

1. Normal
2. Virtually Shameless
3. Completely Shameless

Only one of these groups is bad. A person should only really worry about being labeled as a member of that one group (Unless that person is going into politics). If you can’t guess what it is, you’re most likely in it.

Let’s go over each group. We’ll look into their details, much the same way I would review cookies at the market, attempting to select the most tongue favoring. Which faction will be my Archway Dutch Cocoa cookie? My most beloved of cookies.

Normal:

I use this term with a grain of salt–there is never a normal person. However, when it comes to shamelessness, these people account for the better part of the population. Or, at least it did at one time. Unfortunately, many people now seem to be migrating into the other two categories.

Too many people moving to other groups can be very dangerous. It’s the normal group that, as a whole, keep society running. Without a lot of normal people being doctors, lawyers, TV executives, electrical engineers, and small business owners; the human race would collapse into a system of nomadic tribes.

If everyone was as passionate or extreme as, say, Hunter S. Thompson we would enter a world that has spiraled into some sort of Mad Max style scenario. This is a world in which the sand dollar is be used as both currency and foodstuff. This is a world in which people take upon the task of actually building a Thunderdome.

Being a group, common traits are of course mostly shared.

• They have dignity
• They have pride
• May use the word “shoppe” when naming a business. A la The Coffee Shoppe.

Incidentally, if you’ve named a business with the word “shoppe”, give yourself +5 on the pompous ass meter. Furthermore, if you have used the word “shoppe”, that’s +1 on the very same meter.

Virtually Shameless

Admittedly, this is most likely where I belong. I most certainly would not use the word “Shoppe”.

The Virtually Shameless may also be known as slightly eccentric. In a way they are. They have a honed sense of the fine line between entertainment and self-respect. They do what others won’t by constantly walking perilously close to that line.

At any point in time these people could have a momentarily lapse in their sixth sense, slip, fall over the line, and tarnish their image for years to come. The bad decision could come in many forms. It could be as simple as telling the wrong joke to the wrong person or is could be as elaborate as dressing as Hitler for a Halloween party in Florida.

A Virtually Shameless person would most likely enjoy the limelight. Whereas, the normal people of the world would feel too much pressure, nervousness, or angst when thrown into such unfamiliar surrounding. This is not to say that Virtually Shameless people do not get stage fright. People come in all shades of gray, and even many of the Virtually Shameless get the jitters.

What defines this group from the muggles, if you will, is that they have the wherewithal to fight their way past any anxieties that may arise. I would venture that they often passionate about their ideas, and willing to put themselves on the line to see these ideas come to fruition.

The Virtually Shameless generally share the following traits

• They enjoy positive attention.
• They are passionate enough to put everything on the line for some stupid idea, concept, or ideology.
• Undying love of snack crackers. (Actually, I would venture that something like 80% of all people love snack crackers.)

Completely Shameless

Did somebody say, “limelight”? Enter the Completely Shameless.

There is no rhyme or reason to many of the things the members of this group say and do. Almost no forethought is put into the words that come out of their mouths. Even less thought is put into the repercussions of those words.

Yes, there the yelling, slapping, and laughing that you may see from some members of the Virtually Shameless. However, when dealing with the Completely Shameless, it comes in a much higher doses. In addition, when used by the Virtually Shameless, these techniques are carefully crafted and timed so that they elude to some subtext, or provide entertainment value. The Completely Shameless only brandish these tools around violently, like a baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire and–for some reason–dipped in honey mustard sauce.

Allow me to illustrate.

A Virtually Shameless Conversation

Josh: Arion, I forgot to mention that I stole your soul last night. I assure you, it was strictly an accident.
Arion: What trajectory! Have at you!

Arion delivers a swift, yet supple slap to Josh’s cheek. After this, they both enjoy hearty laughter.

A Completely Shameless Conversation

Jill: That’s my baby, and I want it back!
Tammy: Brad is my man now, and so is that baby!

At this point a normal person intervenes.

Brad: Girls! Let me axe the both of ya’ somethin’! Do you really want to see this kind of baby-mama-daddy-drama to go down?

And, cut! Of course the situation deteriorates into violence, and everyone watching gets a good laugh at the sheer ridiculousness of it.

What exactly compels this sort of person? I don’t really know. I’m going to need a few grants and a lot more research to figure that one out. However, we do know that most have the following in common.

• They enjoy any attention they can get. Their lives are important, and everyone else within yelling range needs to know why.
• They have an ego that’s the size of a Blue Whale. Although, much like the elusive beast, it may be concealing itself underwater, poised to strike.
• They are very good at finding other people who are Completely Shameless. Be careful, sometimes they travel in packs.

Notes and Addendums

Something to think about. One of the many blogs I read is that of Danah Boyd. Sometime after I had the idea for this post–but way before I got off my ass to write it–she wrote an interesting item about narcissism. Maybe we should start prepping the sand dollars.

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